Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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