Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
