this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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