i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
