last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
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Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
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The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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