Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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