i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
