woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
