Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
