So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
