There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
