If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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