I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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