I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
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That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
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We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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