I cut my penus on the lid.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
