For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
