theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
