If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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