i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
