God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
