A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
