Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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