i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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