I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
