I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
