I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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