My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize