i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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