Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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