Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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