Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
