cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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