I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
