Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
