Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
