You don't have asthma, your pregnant
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
kristin has been a bad kristin
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
