there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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