Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
