Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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