My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
