I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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