There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
