i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
