trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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