I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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