i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
