I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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