He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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