cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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