I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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