I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Randomize
