You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
