I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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