I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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