i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
