I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
