The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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