Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
