I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
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