I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
